Countless people are caught unaware by infidelity. Do betrayed partners ever see it coming? Do they miss some tell-tale signs? Even with the advantage of hindsight, the answer is usually a mixture of yes and no.
In all cases of infidelity, the betrayed partner will be presented warning signs, however they usually fail to recognise them or give them the significant attention.
Looking back both my clients and others will offer a number of signs they recognised during the relationship.
These signs include Intuition, Behaviour, Secrecy, Time, Distance, Denial & Blame Shifting. I will share these with you now and include example of each. Any sign may be a warning or provide reason to be more attentive in your relationship.
It’s that intense “knowing” that something just isn’t right. There are times when you may not be able to identify the cause. You simply know… something’s not right! That worrying feeling of unease will not leave.
What’s causing these thoughts? Your intuition. Our intuition doesn’t depend on logic. It relies on information from the subconscious mind. We usually acknowledge this as our “Gut Feeling”.
Intuition requires no evidence. It’s a gut feeling and is purely intangible. That’s why it’s usually the earliest warning sign you get.
Everyone has intuition. The more sensitive and mindful a person is, the more reliable their intuition becomes.
“Something just wasn’t right.” — Sound familiar?
Your subconscious mind calculates all available information including tone, past patterns of behaviour, body language, etc.
Betrayed spouses remembered a moment of unease, a gut feeling that their partners were involved with someone outside of their relationship.
The behaviour of cheaters alters depending if they are good liars or not. They may overreact and become unusually generous. They may be willing to do chores they usually wouldn’t.
On the other hand, they may completely withdraw or simply remain somewhere in between, but either way, deception will shift a person’s energy and behaviour.
Many things can cause a person’s behaviour to shift but when there are no obvious reasons and everything is relatively normal, shifts in behaviour become a warning sign.
Unusual behaviour provides signs of a cheating spouse. Noticeable shifts in their behaviour, interests or attitude is a clue your partner is keeping a secret.
“One minute she was normal, the next minute she was cold as ice.” — Sound familiar?
Below are examples of noticeable changes in behaviour that alerted my clients to the fact that their partner was cheating.
Recognise New Behaviour
- Willingness to do chores they usually wouldn’t
- New interest in exercise, diet, fashion, colognes or perfumes
- Hyper-attention to personal hygiene
- Higher than normal desire for sex / Little or no desire for sex
- New, unfamiliar hobby’s / Unexpected interest in exercise
- Noticeable mood swings / Acting differently towards family and friends
Deceitful partners must do everything in their power to “protect” their secret and avoid getting caught. Infidelity is based on deception and dishonesty.
Trying to “avoid” being caught is usually what leads to them being caught.
“I knew wasn’t right, she was taking her laptop to the bathroom.” — Sound familiar?
When you think about it, people who have something to hide are sure to behave differently than those who have nothing to hide.
Hyper-defensiveness, guarded attitude and vigilance is required to keep secrets from someone you live with.
This approach to a relationship eventually leads to tell-tale changes in behaviour that usually leads the cheater to be caught out.
Recognise Secretive Behaviour
- Closing windows or hitting the delete on the computer when you appear.
- Erasing computer history after every use / New mobile phone
- Changing the password protection on the computer / Mobile Phone.
- Email accounts you were not aware of
- Coming home late for no sensible reason
- Bank transactions at unusual locations / Unexplained purchases
- You can’t access your partner’s mobile or credit card statements
- Phone calls from unfamiliar co-workers or unknown numbers.
Affairs take time. The greater the affair, the more time is required. Most cheaters leave the biggest and most damaging amount of evidence through time they are unable to account for.
Time, effort and opportunity are required in order to conceal a relationship.
Daily routines such as going to work accounts for many hours of our daily lives. Having an affair means something has to change in the cheater’s timeline.
In order to “make time” the cheater must create “opportunities”. When something unusual disrupts a daily routine, it should not be hard to notice.
Sometimes a cheater will swap certain daily routines in order to have an affair. The daily 2hrs at the gym could be in fact 2hrs each day with another partner.
Recognise Time Line Changes
- Working late with no overtime pay increases to prove it
- Unusually high vehicle mileage
- Time spent on “girls’ night out” — except you don’t know these girls
- Errands that take three times longer than usual
- They’re out of “sick” days and you can’t remember the last time they were sick
- Hotel bills vs expense account records that don’t match
- Business trips that suddenly get “extended”
Sensing emotional and sometimes physical distance may be an indication that your partner’s attention is occupied elsewhere. You may feel as though you are sleeping with a stranger.
“We slept in the same bed, and yet it felt like we were miles apart.” — Sound familiar?
To survive an extramarital affair a person must protect their secrets. Privacy is the highest priority. A cheating husband or wife will try to distance themselves from their partners, to pursue their secret desires without getting caught.
Recognise of Distancing Techniques
- Starting fights in order for somebody to wind up sleeping in another room
- Ignoring or criticizing any effort you make to question their actions
- Wanting to go out with their friends instead of mutual friends.
- Loss of interest in family events. Spending more time alone.
- Claiming a personal crisis and needing time to find themselves
When things aren’t adding up and you confront your partner without any hard evidence of an affair, they will deny everything and have an excuse or alibi for your accusations.
Cheaters argue and rationalise reasons for all your suspicions. They may tell you that “it’s all in your head”, or accuse you of being paranoid, insecure or crazy.
They will point out situations where you may have overreacted in the past or state how you’ve always been jealous. A cheating spouse will use this as a tactic of self-defence. This kind of denial is often another red flag.
When it comes to infidelity…You can both get caught in the game of denial
The Cheaters aim is to make their partner feel guilty for insinuating they’re doing something wrong, so they will back off and drop the subject. If they achieve their aim you will doubt yourself. You question your sanity. Maybe it is all in your head.
You may convince yourself your husband isn’t cheating. You tell yourself it’s your fault and agree that maybe you are overreacting.
Denial is an instinctive mental tactic used to protect or defend us from the risk of emotional discomfort. Examples of denial include….
- Ignorance is bliss: turning a blind eye. helps protects us and denies the pain of confronting a loved one’s betrayal.
- Justification: convince yourself that your partner would never have an affair.
- Making Excuses: Cheaters spend a lot of time explaining why they aren’t having an affair and will have terrific alibis.
- Selective Memory: someone having an affair or cheating may appear vague when asked to account for specific time away from home or who they had been talking to on the phone. They may act like as though they don’t remember.
This is a clever projection technique used to shift the focus from them to you. The attention of real concerns is redirected by the cheater and the innocent begins to feel a need to express their own innocence.
I found myself constantly having to reassure her I was innocent.” — Sound familiar?
Recognise blame shifting
- Dodge the issue: Whenever you bring up the topic, they immediately change the subject. They use evasive or defensive techniques to take the focus off their behaviour and disrupt the point you wish to make.
- Criticize: Using guilt and subtle put-downs to make you feel silly. They try to criticize you into backing off and leaving them alone.
- Harmless: They will say lines like… “you’re making a big deal out of nothing”. “It’s just harmless friendship”. “He/she is going through a tough time and I’m just being a good friend.” In order to keep the “harmless” friendship secret.
- Suspicion Reversal: Your partner becomes overly suspicious of your behaviour. They begin to accuse you of having an affair, and make wild accusations.
Do not rush to conclusions
Don’t make the mistake of rushing to conclusions, accusing, attacking, or trying to catch your partner out. This will usually backfire on you.
After reading the warning signs, are you feeling more fearful or less fearful that your partner may be wandering away or betraying you?
If you’re more fearful, then it’s time to take action. But not just any action — you need to know the correct action to take.
It is important to take action as hesitation leads to missed opportunities. Save the disappointment of never knowing the truth.
Contact us now for a friendly chat on how we can help you.
We are open, honest and easy to talk to.